So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
