He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
