I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
