my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
