You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
someone owes me an orgasm
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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