That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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