Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
