I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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