Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
