Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
