i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
