you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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