Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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