Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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