im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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