When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i think my cat just said my name.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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