Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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