I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
