How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
