YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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