Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I met the friendliest cop last night
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
