I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
