I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i think my cat just said my name.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
