ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
