I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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