Can i not drive my cunt home
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
