I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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