so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
