yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
