I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize