I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
