Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. đ
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
TSA doesnât allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Thanks for going with me today. Itâs been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
Itâs called âshopping for lingerieâ and itâs one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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