what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
