I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
what the fuck happened to the tacos
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
