So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
