so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
