All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
