Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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