it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
