Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh god it's open bar.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
