This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
