I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize