We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize