you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize