Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have tasted many bathrooms
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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