Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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