Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
