Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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