The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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