i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
