Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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