be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
