naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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