im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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