If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
