he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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