Im at strip club and am horny
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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