The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
