I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
