guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
