I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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