and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
