I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
